My Band Frustrations

Hi everybody, I would like to seek advice and words of wisdom from those of you in the know. I will try my best not to ramble.

Over the course of last summer I spent a lot of time looking around for a band to join - lots of ups and downs - and late last September, I got together with a couple of guys who I really gelled with right away. Anyway, the band project started out with some pretty good classic rock songs and a little bit (2 or 3 songs) of newer alternative tunes. We were getting together about once a week and newer songs were always being added – we were up to 40 songs total and many have been deleted since we started in late September - we're currently focusing on 13 songs total. That constitutes pretty much only one set, which is designed to complement our guitar player’s (I’ll call him Joe) solo acoustic sets… You see, Joe wants to play his acoustic gig and finish up the whole thing as a band. – Hence the 13 songs.

Now I've tried very hard to be reliable and give feedback only when necessary. But, Since November, we lost our bass player (mostly due to time constraints), and since finding a new bassist after Christmas, we have only practiced one time.

We are pretty much at the mercy of Joe because of his work schedule, which takes him out of town a lot. At first, I was totally cool with that because it gave me time to learn and practice my drum parts and show up to rehearsal prepared, but now it's becoming annoying. As a matter of fact, we had a practice scheduled for this coming Thursday that was cancelled because Joe has to stay out of town to take care of some business.

Here’s an excerpt of an e-mail I got from Joe today:
I did play solo at the bar on Friday - The venue in the afternoon is probably more conducive to a 1 man gig...rather than the full blow concert...so I’m sort of rethinking how a 1 set gig might work...

I’m becoming frustrated. All the songs must meet Joe’s criteria. The songs can’t be too wordy. It can’t be a “busy” song. It has to have an edge to it. It has to be material that other bands don’t play…because God forbid someone suggests a song that’s been “played to death” and that the audience actually knows.

Writing this is adding to the frustration.

I guess that this has officially rambled. If you get the jist of what I’m trying to say or have any questions about what I’ve said, speak up!

Thanks.

Edit: this made sense as I was writing it. I hope it made sense while you were reading it. I'm fighting s cold and my dog unexpectedly died yesterday. It's been a rough weekend.

Run Forrest, run!

Don't look back, just run.

Sounds like it's time to look for your next band.

No biggie. It sounds like you've got time to join another band. No need to quit this first one though. It's always wise to be involved with a couple of situations. Good luck.

drumming sort of person said:

No biggie. It sounds like you've got time to join another band. No need to quit this first one though. It's always wise to be involved with a couple of situations. Good luck.

Click to expand...

I think this is your answer. Many many people play in multiple bands. I can't rehearse on any wk. night, and I work every Fri. night. So I'm in a band that is cool with that. 2 of the other members are in other bands. I jam with a guitarist who is 20 yr. younger than me, on the side. It's not a band yet. We've been jamming for several yr. Sometimes a month or more goes by between jams. His job keeps him away for long periods of time. Roll with it. Stay in that band and look for something else too. Maybe something different. The guy I jam with plays metal, we write original music. the band I'm with plays classic rock mainly 60's and 70's. Our bass player is in another classic rock band, and a zydeco band. Our lead guitarist plays in a country band, and plays solo acts several times a Wk. So Spread you wings, and fly.

I play in several bands because not everyone can make all the gigs. Nobody is complaining.

Welcome to being in a band.

In my experience there is always 1 d!ckhead in every band, but ignoring that person, you have to learn to compromise. You have to decide what's fair and stand up for yourself when people are being selfish. When you have a problem, think carefully about whether it's a real problem, choose your words carefully and just get it out in the open.

If they can't tolerate giving you your fair share it's better to quit/be fired now than it is to endure another 6 months of frustration before you quit.

My opinion about the acoustic set - that's pretty selfish of him to make the rest of the band wait around for him to have his moment. I would tell him that I am in a band to play drums and either you play together or nothing.

Mitch...man I'm sorry about your dog. That's tough and my thoughts are with you. I hope you feel better soon too.

I don't see this situation changing.

I have to echo the others. Find a new band. Keep this one if you like it when you do get together, but keep looking.

Maybe try to form a band on your own? That way you have a little more control.

Again, my sympathies.

Seems like this is Joe's band, and it is centered around only Joe. Not sure why others in band are tolerating that. His voice and desires seems to be trumping others. So either accept you are Joe's drummer, when Joe is around, or quit.

Agree with others, don't quit, but join another band, and when Joe finally wants to come out to play, if you have another commitment with YOUR band, tell Joe he has to wait for you.

You didn't say if Joe is the singer, I am assuming he is. I think it's natural for the singer to have more say over songs (in a vocal band) because he has to sing them. That is something I have always kept in mind in bands. There are many songs I would have loved to have played but the singer wasn't feeling it.

I have found that issues like the one you have don't go away by themselves. I would respectfully point these issues out. The key will be his reaction. If he blows up or tries to bully you (or even worse- passively aggressively keeps on doing it) you will know you should look elsewhere.

Much like dating before marriage, you need to play in a multitude of bands until you find the right one. Until/Unless you're committed on paper, there's nothing preventing you from playing with as many different people as you please. If you don't like the dynamic of the particular band you're in, either affect it or depart. You're doing nobody a favor (namely yourself) by hanging around.

The only time one would stay in a band that has a primary "visionary" member is if playing for that visionary is putting money in your wallet, food on the table, etc. The relationship is one of employment rather than a marriage.

No biggie. It sounds like you've got time to join another band. No need to quit this first one though. It's always wise to be involved with a couple of situations. Good luck.

Agreed! Great answer.

If this Joe guy fusses because he somehow found out you are in other bands, he gave you his answer. Quit his and move on. Sounds like he is being the selfish one.

rogue_drummer said:

No biggie. It sounds like you've got time to join another band. No need to quit this first one though. It's always wise to be involved with a couple of situations. Good luck.

Agreed! Great answer.

If this Joe guy fusses because he somehow found out you are in other bands, he gave you his answer. Quit his and move on. Sounds like he is being the selfish one.

Click to expand...

Spoken by the guy who really should have the Energizer Bunny or a Diehard battery as his avi.

Wow! This sounds just like an interview I just read with Taylor Hawkins of the Foo Fighters and his relations ship with Dave Grohl!

At one point with FF, he was about to quit (or get fired) for arguing with Grohl when he finally came to the realization that FF is Grohl's band. That while they are great friends, that he is really hired gun. There is nothing stopping any of them from pursuing other projects (and they all do).

Find some others to jam with. If this band is something worth hanging onto, THEN work out the logistics of everyone being together at the same time. In the meantime, if Joe is free to do his solo thing, then you're free to look elsewhere too. Nothing to feel guilty or angry about.

Bummer about the dog.

Nothing to add about the band thing, but sorry to read your edit about the dog.

drumming sort of person said:

No biggie. It sounds like you've got time to join another band. No need to quit this first one though. It's always wise to be involved with a couple of situations. Good luck.

Click to expand...

I couldn't manage another band situation if my life depended on it... well maybe if my life depended on it but in reality, no way!

larryace said:

Mitch...man I'm sorry about your dog. That's tough and my thoughts are with you. I hope you feel better soon too.

I don't see this situation changing.

I have to echo the others. Find a new band. Keep this one if you like it when you do get together, but keep looking.

Maybe try to form a band on your own? That way you have a little more control.

Again, my sympathies.

Click to expand...

Thanks for the kind thoughts, Larry.
I do like it when we get together but the whole situation lacks focus. I can't be properly prepared if the set list (however big or small it is) is not... well, set!

I wouldn't mind trying (again) to form my own band, but I have no infrastructure in place except me and my drums.

opentune said:

Seems like this is Joe's band, and it is centered around only Joe. Not sure why others in band are tolerating that. His voice and desires seems to be trumping others. So either accept you are Joe's drummer, when Joe is around, or quit.

Agree with others, don't quit, but join another band, and when Joe finally wants to come out to play, if you have another commitment with YOUR band, tell Joe he has to wait for you.

Click to expand...

This is Joe's band, and I don't have a problem with that. Like I said before, I need - make that require - a more concrete approach to this. Let's learn the songs - let's play the songs - let's figure out where we are with the songs.

Zero Mercury Drummer said:

You didn't say if Joe is the singer, I am assuming he is. I think it's natural for the singer to have more say over songs (in a vocal band) because he has to sing them. That is something I have always kept in mind in bands. There are many songs I would have loved to have played but the singer wasn't feeling it.

I have found that issues like the one you have don't go away by themselves. I would respectfully point these issues out. The key will be his reaction. If he blows up or tries to bully you (or even worse- passively aggressively keeps on doing it) you will know you should look elsewhere.

Click to expand...

Yes, Joe is the singer as well as the guitar player. I don't have any real issue with what he wants to play. The real issue is the constant adding and subtracting from the set list. No bulling, by the way.

KamaK said:

Much like dating before marriage, you need to play in a multitude of bands until you find the right one. Until/Unless you're committed on paper, there's nothing preventing you from playing with as many different people as you please. If you don't like the dynamic of the particular band you're in, either affect it or depart. You're doing nobody a favor (namely yourself) by hanging around.

Click to expand...

No commitment on paper, but I'll give it some more time. However, if clarity is not forthcoming soon, I will be looking elsewhere.

JustJames said:

Bummer about the dog.

Nothing to add about the band thing, but sorry to read your edit about the dog.

Click to expand...

Thanks, James.

Maybe you could replace Joe and play under another name with the band you're already in ... AND keep playing with Joe as long as you want to.

In other words, your core group would continue to play with Joe as Band A, and with a different singer/guitarist as Band B. Band B would gig once or twice a month, and you'd all have a great time. Eventually, you'd all phase out of Band A -- meaning, you'd drop Joe and play happily ever after with the same guys you play with now, and with no hard feelings, because Joe wants to be a solo act, anyway.

Ta-da!

ETA: I, too, am sorry to hear of your sudden loss. I'll bet your dog had a good life with you, though, and that's wonderful. Take care.

Sorry to hear about your dog, I know how much it hurts when the old friend dies. When my old Airedale, Winston, died I was devastated and cried for days. I am not joking when I say It was emotionaly more traumatic than my divorce.

Keep your head up mate.

UPDATE:

Ok, it's been 4 weeks since we practiced and 2 weeks since I have heard anything from Joe (the last e-mail was referenced by me earlier in the thread).

Would any of you consider zero contact for two weeks normal?

I may be a little slow on the uptake sometimes, but I'm beginning to get the feeling that my services are no longer required.

If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that Joe's solo aspirations are trumping his band aspirations and he doesn't have the balls to say anything.

Funny thing about all this is that up until a few days ago, I was in and committed. Now, I really don't care anymore. It's probably time to look elsewhere.

What about the rest of the band?

From your first post it sounded like you got along pretty well and were building a solid song base. Maybe you guys can salvage something out of that while Joe plays for quarters in front of the bus depot?

Just a thought.

Good luck and good drumming to you.

Barry

You have my sympathies. Everybody says guitarists are ten a penny, but all the decent ones are always spoken for. We had heaps of trouble finding one and ended up co-opting one who was already in two other bands, and it does cause difficulties when loyalties are split.

Do you have kids? If so, might they have any friends whose parents play?