When you have a death in the family and can't make a gig...

Masheanhed

Senior Member
Have any of you had a situation where you were not able to make a gig or gigs with your band due to an illness or death in the family? How did your bandmates handle it? I'm not talking about a high end professional level...my band is more on a "Saturday night bar type gig" level.

Recently my mother took ill and was hospitalized and not knowing how the outcome would be I asked my bandmates to get someone to fill in for me as we had two good gigs coming up in a week. There was no way I could play them as she was in ICU, the hospice floor and later on home hospice and I was staying the night with her and my dad for almost three weeks to help with my mom's (and my dad's) care. I did not want them to have to cancel as I know we had all looked forward to these gigs. Her funeral ended up being on the day of one of the gigs. The show must go on and I realized that.

My problem is that a few of these people that I have played with for two years never sent me a text, email, or phone call to say 'hey thinking of you", and one of these guys is a friggin' doctor. This burned me slightly but I know some people handle things differently so I sucked it up. I got texts and emails from these two people asking about dates I was open to play future gigs and about how to do a group invite on facebook, but not once even a comment on 'how's your mom?". Then I wake up the morning after the second gig to find a dozen videos posted on our facebook site of the band playing, doing two songs that I have never liked doing. I know it was not intentional but somehow it just felt like insult to injury. I didn't expect the world to stop for me, and I truly did not want the gigs cancelled, but I would have just appreciated a little more thought put into not making me feel like a number.

So...anyone ever have a similar experience?
 
I'm so sorry for your loss. I have not had a similar experience yet and hope that I never do. I would hope that my friends and bandmates would be more empathetic to what I was going through. If a band member of mine suffered such a personal loss I would expect to cancel the gigs and support them. That is simply what friends do. Some people, most, are very uncomfortable with death and don't no how to approach it or provide comfort. Possibly this is the case? Regardless, as a friend and bandmate their first job is to support you through your loss. The last thing a person needs when grieving is pressure from others. That's why most workplaces provide payed time off, or at least time of for deaths in the family. Plus, it's not like you were playing Madison Square Garden or Austin City Limits. I hope that you find peace and have lot's of good memories of your mom. Take care.
 
Sorry to hear about your Mom.

I'm not defending the actions of your band mates (personally I think its pretty cold) but some people just don't know how to react to someone else's loss. The band in a time like this should take a back seat for you and they need to understand that. I too would have expected a little more compassion, esp from a Doctor!

Just don't let youself fall to that level if another band member runs into a similar situation.
 
Firstly,I'm sorry for your loss.I think your bandmates should have been a lot more supportive than they were,which seems to have been nonexistant.There really is nothing to say in their defence.

Family comes first,especially your mom,and just in my opinion....the show must go on is a load of crap.You only have one mother and father,and if anybody can't understand that priority....tuff.You did the right thing all the way around.

Maybe its time to start lookin for another band.

Steve B
 
Thanks for the support. I want everyone to understand that I am not looking for a pity party, and I did give the go ahead for them to find me a sub. A few of the guys have been wonderful. Some of us have played in other bands together for over ten years, and they were great. But the couple of them I have known for the two years this band has been going just put me off by how they had a "oh yeah tough break....can you play on September 10th?" mentality. Since I posted the OP one of the guys called to apologize about them posting all the vids from the gig I didn't play on the day of mom's funeral. He said he was gonna tell them to take them off because it was crappy. But just like today, if I go up and see the site, all I see is that 1) that is on the day we buried my mom, and 2) funny how they never put any vids up of the last several gigs but on this one, that I am not playing, they put (as of this count) ten up.

I probably do need to find me another band. Otherwise all I am gonna do is think about it every time we practice. Oh well..not like we were Aerosmith or somethin'....
 
Forget band context, that's just crap on a human level.

Between our 5 band members, we've lost 4 parents in the last 15 months, & another member's father currently has only weeks to live. I lost both of my parents within two months of each other. Our keys player has to have a serious operation next month (although not life threatening) and will be unable to play for at least two months. During my darkest hours, ALL my band mates were super supportive. At no stage was playing a gig even discussed. Any gigs that were booked. were quietly postponed. the same courtesy was extended to the other players who went through their own personal challenges. When our keys player has his operation, those gigs will be cancelled/postponed too. Even though the band is quite capable of putting a set together without him, that option isn't on the table. We either play as a full band, with all members in a happy space, or we don't play at all.

For all these reasons, & many more besides, hopefully, I'll be playing with these guys for many years to come.

I'm sorry to hear of your mother's departing. There's bands out there who'd fully appreciate your priorities. Go find them.
 
Please accept my condolences on your Mum!

Welcome to the real world my friend! Family and loved ones are first and foremost either above the band or anything else in life...your band members are just a big fake!

So...anyone ever have a similar experience?
 
Sorry about your loss. My Mom died last week too. I am more relieved than sad because she was not living a good life the last few months, and she was not happy. Peace and goodwill.
 
Sorry about your loss. My Mom died last week too. I am more relieved than sad because she was not living a good life the last few months, and she was not happy. Peace and goodwill.

You too, Mark. I wished I had the words to say...I do feel your sorrow and if you ever need an ear to fill let me know.
 
Terminally ill and/or death in the family trumps all... and yeah they're supposed to say something, understand the situation, and wait for you short of a gigantic gig where a costly breach of contract could occur.

And no...it's never happened to me or anyone I know except for that breach of contract thing. Even then, there's supposed to be the complimentary How's it going man? It wasn't the same without you phone call the next morning.

It's not an abruptly quitable offense. But if it were me I would be looking hard to lose those guys the moment you see something else. Then you leave without a big conflict. Just say I wasn't feeling it and move on.
 
First things first, sorry to hear about your loss. Hope things are better for you.

Without knowing you or your Bands dynamics I'll make an outsiders judgement and say look for pastures new.*I can understand in rare occasions the need to have to replace a band member but not when there's a death involved.

Being in a band and successfully getting on for large period of time mostly comes down to respect for each other. Not saying they don't respect you personally but they should have respected and understood your situation. Family's are for life, bands and band members come and go. I'd personally be pissed to see videos uploaded of my band taken on the day of me being at a family members funeral and they'd know about it too cause that doesn't sit right with me.

A few years ago our singers girlfriend's mum died, two days before our biggest ever show in front of 3,000 + people and some industry folk, after years of playing together in tiny venues it was our final big chance. Anyway, even before he called to say he was going back to their hometown with her to be with family we had all called him to say it was the best thing to do and not to worry about cancelling the gig as making sure she was ok was more important.

And that was that, our last chance together had gone but our integrity remained. Proud of us back then actually.

Shame it turned sour shorlty after though and the band comardry soon disapeared in a smoke of egos, but that story's for another day.

Hope you're ok. Keep your chin up.
 
After much thought and knowing this was going to be a sore spot with me, I sent everyone an email explaining my issue and stating that I would be quitting the band. I bid them no ill will, but did tell them that I thought it was a insensitive thing to do, even though I know it was not done with malice. Here is a run down of the responses:

Bass Player: (Guy who was more worried about playing than anyone..guy who finally sent me an email about my mom that was attached to a question on how to send invites out on facebook) Blames Guitar player 1 for vid posting, then said I wanted them posted too (really? the videos I was not in and had no idea existed until they were posted????).
Guitar Player/Singer 1: (guy who actually posted the vids): Very sorry, said bass player kept nagging him to posts some vids, took vids down, hopes I will not leave, afraid band will break up.
Guitar Player/Singer 2: Said he thought playing without me was wrong even though I said OK (yet he never said anything to other band members). Still intends to hang with band.
Guitar Player/Singer 3: Ready for break, didn't like playing as much as we did due to family life, is now going to quit. Said she has issues with bass player's attitude.
Lead Singer: Nothing...she is in her own world anyway. Unless it affects her she won't respond to anything.

So there you have it. Feel like a weight was lifted off me. I have a lot of things to catch up on at work and in life. Going to spend as much time with my dad to help keep him company as well as some needed bonding time. There will be other bands and time to play.

Thanks for the support guys and I am sorry for those of you that have experienced lost, whether family or friends.
 
I was going to reply until I read Mas' last post. Nuff said. As you tend to your father you can still explore your creativity in music. Death and sickness are very hard on people and we all react differently. Keep your music alive friend. All the best. The K.
 
Very, very sorry for your loss.

I'm afraid this very difficult situation demonstrated to you some things about your bandmates. I don't know what words to use, but their behavior - and lack of some behavior - is inexplicable. I don't think I could remain in a long term commitment with people like that.
 
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss.
When my wife was rushed in for an serious emergency operation on a Friday morning, I called my band and let them know I would not make that weekend's Friday/Saturday job, they cancelled the gig. They would not perform without me and wished her well. Things went well and she got through the operation in fine form.
But, I never forgot what they did and we both let them know how much we appreciated their actions.
 
Firstly, I'm Sorry for your (and other forum members) loss.

Secondly, I'm glad to hear your are moving on. These people are (obviously) not cool, and are only concerned about themselves--regardless of the situation.
Too bad for them. One day they'll need some support and it won't be there.

Good luck for your future & have fun with your Dad!!
 
Sorry to read of your loss, stuff like that is hard enough to deal with when you have support - let alone without it...

Glad to read that you made a good decision & the outcomes from that are not surprising at all. Your bandmates can be like a family extension if you find the right ones, or they can seem like the most conceited bunch of *holes ever... Now you have time to start a new chapter in your life, your dads's & your drumming life - which in my experience always takes a good route.

All the best,
Meat
 
Sorry about your Mum, Masheanhed. My Mum died in 95 and it's a strange, sad feeling. Last year our guitarist's sister died the night before a gig the next afternoon. He'd been up all night consoling his Mum ... and was obviously wrung out when he turned up.

He brought his family along to the gig - another sister, his mum, his wife, his kids. It was a great way for them to take their minds off things for a while. Music is a great respite for this kind of thing, but it really helps if your bandmates are sensitive to your situation. Obviously there's no way out if the funeral is the same day.

I've had the kind of experience you had with your bandmates with workmates. It's instructive to see how people react. People you expect to be sensitive can be cold and people who you'd expect to be more unfeeling come out and surprise you.

And Drumolater, I hope things are okay with you. Yeah, once people are suffering nonstop it's no longer life, just existence. There often is no real "day of death" - it's a process that can take anything from days to years and it's not uncommon to lose loved ones long before they officially pass away.
 
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