Hahahahaha, top marks for funny presentation = love it!
Got to say though, not liking the Kickport at all.
Bass drum = noticeable increase in bottom end being picked up by the mic, but much of that can be explained by a change in mic position. Putting the mic directly in the port hole never offers a wholesome result at the best of times.
Toms & snare = you've just exchanged one form of muffling for another. Those toms are utterly dead. That's ok if your shooting for a dead sound so you can more easily pile on EQ & other processing later, but they're devoid of all tone & character IMHO. Snare is just dead & flat.
Sorry, got to say it as I see it. I'm sure that sound will suit some players, but frankly, even your drums muffled with tape & gels sounded better than the ports to my ears.